Congresswoman Michele Bachmann Vs. Earth

Now, look. Normally I would prefer to steer this fine ship, the HMS Areyoueffingserious, as far from political waters as website-anly possible, but I heard something on the radio today that just blew my frickin' mind. It's no news to me that the Republicans these days tend to be a little slow to jump on the environmental bandwagon in favor of their big business buddies. But party affiliation aside, what I listened to earlier today from the Republican National Convention was just absurd. So, who is this site's anti-hero of the hour? I present to you, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Minnesota ranks among the highest in education, literacy and voter turn-out. It is known for it's politically involved population. And this fine, progressive state of the union is characteristically blue, presumably through and through. But if one judged this noble people by the comments of their congressional representative, Michele Bachmann, they might make the assumption there is a reason why their state bird is the Common Loon.

Ok, what got to me so much that I have unleashed this fury of witty judgements upon this woman and her electorate? I'll tell you. I'll tell you right now.

Mrs. Michele Bachmann was asked for her views on the state of our countries oil and energy future. Does she believe in investing in renewable resources? Does she want off-shore drilling? Does she even agree with her president, George W. Bush that we, as a country, are addicted to oil? What are her suggestions and positions on what the leadership should do?

And what is her stance, you may be asking? Bachmann categorically stated that wherever it comes from, the United States of America needs more energy, no matter where it comes from. She wants everything increased and expanded: Alaskan reserve and off-shore drilling, research into oil shale extraction from the western states, foreign oil, coal and nuclear power.

This is where her logic forks. And I mean it forking forks. Her two-tiered reasoning is as follows. On the short term, this will alleviate "your pain at the pump," as she calls it. This is not an illogical concept. The more energy that is readily available, the cheaper it will become, and all the millions of Americans that are hurting from this multiplication of oil prices will have a respite. This is a somewhat honorable goal, in a very short-sited way. But it's a goal that resonates with the population. Of course, any major new drilling projects, off-shore or otherwise, wouldn't affect pump prices until at least halfway through the next decade at the earliest.

The second part of her deduction is where I have a bit deeper of a problem. She believes that congress should open up all avenues of energy production and allow the market forces to work their magic. Essentially, once there's enough fuel and power to go around, the economy will thrive and competition will allow greener, alternative sources of energy to flourish. Never mind, for a second, that she feels we're in no way going to run out of oil on this planet. Leave that "non-renewable" label at the door please, and wipe your feet, we don't want to get any of that cheap, unlimited crude on the nice, white carpet.

The incredible short-sitedness of her argument is astonishing, really. For one thing, last I checked, market forces are at work. When oil prices went up, SUV sales went down so low that the big three are closing plants that make them left and right and even the posh symbol of status and wealth, the Hummer, is quickly going the way of the Dodo. Research in hybrid, bio-fuel and electric cars is up and I see more Priuses on the road than Corollas. Solar, wind and hydro technology is having a renaissance with more and more converts of the best and brightest of silicon valley.

If there was so much cheap oil and other non-renewable resources available, what would motivate these companies to innovative and consumers to change their habits? In other words, wouldn't people just keep buying gas-guzzling SUVs that the auto manufacturers would see no reason to stop making?

Oh, wait, did I inadvertently touch on her first point while discussing her second? Is it possible that market forces are actually reacting to our pain at the pump by creating affordable and renewable alternatives? Wait. What this sounds like is that she likes talking about market forces but doesn't really understand what they are. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she's so deep in the pocket of old-school big business that she doesn't even notice that the majority of even her republican party are begrudgingly admitting that we may have to give green a try.

Let me finish by saying that I don't like paying four bucks for gas any more than the next person. I remember when I would choose the station that had regular for 83 cents over the 87 cents across the street. Those were good days. But I can recognize this is our system at work. When filling your tank empties your wallet, sends us to war and funds terrorist-sponsering countries, maybe it's time to look into alternatives. Even if you're ambivalent towards the environmental effects and you don't see a conflict of interests in buying foreign, surely everyone by now should agree that at some point we're going to run out of our finite resources and we might as well get an honest head-start moving to an alternative. Just as we're being given an incentive to make positive changes and it's working, this Bachmann character wants to un-level the playing field in favor of the status quo. She'd give big oil the break they've been waiting so long for.

You know what? Screw it. She's got a point. Un-regulate fossil fuels! Put the power back in the hands of the few mega-corps that know what's best for us! They wouldn't steer us wrong? They're more responsible and socially conscious than to operate on a short-sighted, bottom-line driven agenda! Who better to look after the environment than those great stewards that have already taken so much from it. Michele Bachmann, you go girl. I'm buyin' me a hummer, before they get popular again in your new golden age of black gold. I'm wanna be that one little woman driving it to the grocery store that cuts you off cuz I can!

Man... who elected her? Common Loon.