Foodies: They Appreciate Food More Than You

I don't know her name. I don't know how you know him, although I'd guess it's probably through work. But I do know this; you have a friend that calls himself a "Foodie". And if you're anything like me this drives you up the effing wall.

Straight off, the obvious peculiarity of this admission is how basic the skill is that the label implies. They are experts at the art of food. I myself am an airie. You might say I'm a connoisseur of necessity of breathing. I would wear the badge of "drinkie", but frankly, I think people might get the wrong idea. (Oh, who am I kidding?)

Second, let me say, the label of foodie is unprovable. It's the equivalent of saying you're an athlete because you like to play sports. Although, if you're not good at sports, it's readily apparent. In fact, it might be obvious just by the person's physique. But what if sports were played in one's own mind? How then could you know if someone were an athlete? "I'm quite dexterous with a strength and quickness you've nary seen," they'd exclaim. Are you to take their word for it? Of course not.

OK. Here it is. We've reached the top, the peak, the pinnacle. Prepare yourself to repel down the face of irritation.

What annoys most is what this person is saying about me. They're not merely bragging about the gastronomical feats that they are capable of, but they are generally implying that I am not as interested in a delectable culinary experience as much as they.

This admission is usually part of a larger story or explanation. "Chez Magnifique is the best toast restaurant in the city. I won't get apricot jam anywhere else. But you know, I'm a bit of a foodie." I.e., it's great if I'm able to appreciate it. I probably wouldn't even be able to understand the flavors placed upon my rakish and uneducated tongue. I suppose I shouldn't waste their time or mine attempting to grapple with delights beyond my capacity or station in the edible world.

My message to foodies is as follows. I know you think you're just being clever or cute or perhaps trying to gain the trust of your friend to convince them to try your favourite place to pick croutons off your spicy lemon caesar or throw back a few flaming bacon-wrapped eel rolls. Maybe you really do think you're a better judge of what I'd like than me. Hey, you might just be a dick. Whatever. That's neither here nor there. Whichever one of these is the case, just know this; it's obnoxious. The only people that don't mind you're poorly thought out non-job title are other self-proclaimed foodies. It's too bad there's not a law against meetings of more than two of your kind at a time.

Look, I don't hate everyone that calls themselves a foodie. I really don't. Some of my best friend's are foodies. But as fervently as I believe in equal rights, I'm not sure foodies should be allowed to marry and bare foodie children upon the world. It's just not the future I want for this great nation. I believe in a place where all the children of this fair land have the ability to enjoy delicious food equally, without it being a competition.

And for god's sake, I'll try your effing favourite restaurant.